Cremation Preparing for a Loved Ones Death
:
One evening my father, in the throes of a long bout with respiratory illness, experienced severe weakness and shortness of breath. I net him at the hospital door to hear him say “Just look at me; I don’t know if I am going to make it.” His own words highlighted the deepening reality that his death was drawing closer. Several days later, as I stood by his bedside in intensive care and watched his blood pressure drop. I knew his death was no longer in the future. He was dying now; and I said I love you for one last time.
Working Your Way Through
Preparing for the death of a loved one is a journey in a delicate tension between hope that our loved one will not doe and a growing feeling that they may not recover from an illness or accident. Our society still encourages us to avoid thinking and talking about death. We are bombarded with constant images that with the right car, the right facial cream, or the right medications we can always feel young and energetic. Deep down, we know it’s not true-we all will face our death and the death of those we love. When someone you love is confronted with illness or injury for which there is no expected recovery, there is no way to fully prepare yourself for their death. As with any kind of grief, there is no set of steps to prepare for loss. Nonetheless, moving honestly and openly toward the death of the one you love will not only help you prepare, but invite your loved one into intimate and meaningful conversation about their life and their dying.
Be Open To Images That Spark Your Grief
I have often heard a family member cry out at a time of a difficult diagnosis such as cancer. “We are going to make it through this.” I don’t know what I would do without him.” With those words, preparation for the possibility of death has already begun with the imagination of living without someone. Though your initial impulse might be to push them away, images of being separated from your loved one are an important doorway to your anticipation of grief. As a chaplain, I visited with a woman who remained with her sick husband day and night in the hospital and found it difficult to go home and rest. One day when she did go home, she was over whelmed with the image that he would never walk in the house with her again. When your loved one is ill, you may begin to have thoughts about climbing in bed alone, sitting at a dinner table alone, or calling the phone number to talk to your friend and hearing no answer. These what if’s are your mind’s way of preparing you for a day in the future when you will say good-bye to your loved one. Images of being without your loved one stir feelings of grief and the anticipation of loneliness. You may feel hesitant to show grief before a loved one dies, fearing it will signal that you have given up. Remember that any grief you begin to feel is a sign of your deep love for your friend or family member-a sign that you will miss them terribly. There is no need to pretend everything is all right when you are sad or afraid.
Talk With Your Loved One About What Is Ahead
Today there are many medical options for ongoing treatment, as well as treatment for pain, when someone is dying. As a caregiver you may be faced with many emotional questions regarding treatment, such as whether your loved one should go on a ventilator or have a feeding tube inserted. Talk with your loved one about their desires and how aggressively they want to be treated. When you make these kinds of decisions together you are preparing for a more peaceful death for your loved one, and you are not left alone with difficult decisions that might lead you to questions or guilt later. Knowing you are following your loved one’s wishes brings you comfort. “Just as the womb takes in and gives forth again, so the grave takes in and will give forth again.” When all avenues for treatment have been exhausted, illness-the inability of the body to fight infection and disease-causes death. Talking about dying does not make it happen. In fact, talking about dying can even be a source of hope and satisfaction for your loved one as they live their remaining days. Conversation about death may begin with simple phrases, as the one who is ill says something like, “You know I won’t always be here. Remember, my important papers are in the safe deposit box at the bank”. Such words open a door for conversation about the time when the two of you will be separated by death. Resist the urge to gloss this over with words like; “Now, you know you will be fine”. Instead, hear them as invitations to move more deeply into the intimate conversation that can surround dying. When you are given the gift of time for conversation, move toward it.
Talk With Health Professionals
In today’s world of advanced medical technology, knowing for sure whether and when someone is dying is often difficult. Even with a terminal diagnosis, treatment options are often offered. From my years of ministry as a hospital chaplain, I constantly encountered people who did not understand that their loved one was dying, even though that was the feeling of the medical team. Sometimes it’s just as hard for medical professionals to discuss death, for they too, do not want to give up. Have open and honest discussions with the attending physicians and nurses. If you are uncertain about what to expect, ask, “Do you believe my husband is dying?” Or, “Will you let me know when you think my mother is close to death?” Or, “What will I see as her death gets closer?” Some of your questions do have answers to help you prepare for the days ahead and calm your fear of the unknown.
Care For Yourself While Caring For Your Loved One
Caring for another, especially if the required care is physically tiring, can be very stressful. For some, providing for their loved one’s physical care is very important and becomes a tangible sign of their love and commitment. For others, providing physical care is too much to manage. You might find that receiving assistance with physical care, such as baths and feeding, will give you greater emotional energy to be with your loved one. Hospice care in many communities provides excellent care of the dying, as well as support for your family. Know your limitations and work support from friends and family so that you can be available in the ways that are most meaningful for you and your loved one. Seek the listening ear of friends in your faith community who will be open to your sadness. Be open about your uncertainty and let them see you don’t know what the outcome will be. Draw comfort from your faith. While life on this earth is not without pain and suffering, God promised never to leave us without comfort. Call on God and you community of faith to walk with you during this time.
Focus Your Energy On What’s Most Important
Knowing your loved one will die creates a sudden and vivid shift of your own priorities. When faced with losing a lifelong companion or a parent or child, our understanding of what’s important in life can shift dramatically. Too often the dying become isolated, with even doctors and nurses visiting less frequently as death approaches. Even in difficult deaths where one suffers, being present to rub their forehead with a cool cloth can be meaningful for you and for them. Dr. Ira Byock, a family practice physician specializing in care for the dying, and author of Dying Well, tells his family’s story of growth during his father’s death from pancreatic cancer. “His illness allowed us, I could say forced us, to talk about the things that mattered; family, our relationships with one another, our shared past, and the unknown future. We reminisced about good times and bad, we cried, and we laughed. We apologized for a host of transgressions, and we granted, and were granted forgiveness.” Sharing memories and feelings is a way of preparation for you both, and will be a source of comfort for you later.
Take Heart
Our hearts and our minds have a way of gradually opening up, first to the possibility that a loved one might die, then to an acceptance that they will die, and then finally to the knowledge that the time is now. When time does allow you preparation, you can watch your loved one take their last breath knowing you have given him or her the gift of living with them through their dying. The words that form on our lips when we walk this boundary between this life and the next with someone we love can instill us with courage, mend our hearts, and deepen our most beloved relationships.
If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours.
By: Joshua Johnson
About the Author:
One evening my father, in the throes of a long bout with respiratory illness, experienced severe weakness and shortness of breath. I net him at the hospital door to hear him say “Just look at me; I don’t know if I am going to make it.” His own words highlighted the deepening reality that his death was drawing closer. Several days later, as I stood by his bedside in intensive care and watched his blood pressure drop. I knew his death was no longer in the future. He was dying now; and I said I love you for one last time.
Working Your Way Through
Preparing for the death of a loved one is a journey in a delicate tension between hope that our loved one will not doe and a growing feeling that they may not recover from an illness or accident. Our society still encourages us to avoid thinking and talking about death. We are bombarded with constant images that with the right car, the right facial cream, or the right medications we can always feel young and energetic. Deep down, we know it’s not true-we all will face our death and the death of those we love. When someone you love is confronted with illness or injury for which there is no expected recovery, there is no way to fully prepare yourself for their death. As with any kind of grief, there is no set of steps to prepare for loss. Nonetheless, moving honestly and openly toward the death of the one you love will not only help you prepare, but invite your loved one into intimate and meaningful conversation about their life and their dying.
Be Open To Images That Spark Your Grief
I have often heard a family member cry out at a time of a difficult diagnosis such as cancer. “We are going to make it through this.” I don’t know what I would do without him.” With those words, preparation for the possibility of death has already begun with the imagination of living without someone. Though your initial impulse might be to push them away, images of being separated from your loved one are an important doorway to your anticipation of grief. As a chaplain, I visited with a woman who remained with her sick husband day and night in the hospital and found it difficult to go home and rest. One day when she did go home, she was over whelmed with the image that he would never walk in the house with her again. When your loved one is ill, you may begin to have thoughts about climbing in bed alone, sitting at a dinner table alone, or calling the phone number to talk to your friend and hearing no answer. These what if’s are your mind’s way of preparing you for a day in the future when you will say good-bye to your loved one. Images of being without your loved one stir feelings of grief and the anticipation of loneliness. You may feel hesitant to show grief before a loved one dies, fearing it will signal that you have given up. Remember that any grief you begin to feel is a sign of your deep love for your friend or family member-a sign that you will miss them terribly. There is no need to pretend everything is all right when you are sad or afraid.
Talk With Your Loved One About What Is Ahead
Today there are many medical options for ongoing treatment, as well as treatment for pain, when someone is dying. As a caregiver you may be faced with many emotional questions regarding treatment, such as whether your loved one should go on a ventilator or have a feeding tube inserted. Talk with your loved one about their desires and how aggressively they want to be treated. When you make these kinds of decisions together you are preparing for a more peaceful death for your loved one, and you are not left alone with difficult decisions that might lead you to questions or guilt later. Knowing you are following your loved one’s wishes brings you comfort. “Just as the womb takes in and gives forth again, so the grave takes in and will give forth again.” When all avenues for treatment have been exhausted, illness-the inability of the body to fight infection and disease-causes death. Talking about dying does not make it happen. In fact, talking about dying can even be a source of hope and satisfaction for your loved one as they live their remaining days. Conversation about death may begin with simple phrases, as the one who is ill says something like, “You know I won’t always be here. Remember, my important papers are in the safe deposit box at the bank”. Such words open a door for conversation about the time when the two of you will be separated by death. Resist the urge to gloss this over with words like; “Now, you know you will be fine”. Instead, hear them as invitations to move more deeply into the intimate conversation that can surround dying. When you are given the gift of time for conversation, move toward it.
Talk With Health Professionals
In today’s world of advanced medical technology, knowing for sure whether and when someone is dying is often difficult. Even with a terminal diagnosis, treatment options are often offered. From my years of ministry as a hospital chaplain, I constantly encountered people who did not understand that their loved one was dying, even though that was the feeling of the medical team. Sometimes it’s just as hard for medical professionals to discuss death, for they too, do not want to give up. Have open and honest discussions with the attending physicians and nurses. If you are uncertain about what to expect, ask, “Do you believe my husband is dying?” Or, “Will you let me know when you think my mother is close to death?” Or, “What will I see as her death gets closer?” Some of your questions do have answers to help you prepare for the days ahead and calm your fear of the unknown.
Care For Yourself While Caring For Your Loved One
Caring for another, especially if the required care is physically tiring, can be very stressful. For some, providing for their loved one’s physical care is very important and becomes a tangible sign of their love and commitment. For others, providing physical care is too much to manage. You might find that receiving assistance with physical care, such as baths and feeding, will give you greater emotional energy to be with your loved one. Hospice care in many communities provides excellent care of the dying, as well as support for your family. Know your limitations and work support from friends and family so that you can be available in the ways that are most meaningful for you and your loved one. Seek the listening ear of friends in your faith community who will be open to your sadness. Be open about your uncertainty and let them see you don’t know what the outcome will be. Draw comfort from your faith. While life on this earth is not without pain and suffering, God promised never to leave us without comfort. Call on God and you community of faith to walk with you during this time.
Focus Your Energy On What’s Most Important
Knowing your loved one will die creates a sudden and vivid shift of your own priorities. When faced with losing a lifelong companion or a parent or child, our understanding of what’s important in life can shift dramatically. Too often the dying become isolated, with even doctors and nurses visiting less frequently as death approaches. Even in difficult deaths where one suffers, being present to rub their forehead with a cool cloth can be meaningful for you and for them. Dr. Ira Byock, a family practice physician specializing in care for the dying, and author of Dying Well, tells his family’s story of growth during his father’s death from pancreatic cancer. “His illness allowed us, I could say forced us, to talk about the things that mattered; family, our relationships with one another, our shared past, and the unknown future. We reminisced about good times and bad, we cried, and we laughed. We apologized for a host of transgressions, and we granted, and were granted forgiveness.” Sharing memories and feelings is a way of preparation for you both, and will be a source of comfort for you later.
Take Heart
Our hearts and our minds have a way of gradually opening up, first to the possibility that a loved one might die, then to an acceptance that they will die, and then finally to the knowledge that the time is now. When time does allow you preparation, you can watch your loved one take their last breath knowing you have given him or her the gift of living with them through their dying. The words that form on our lips when we walk this boundary between this life and the next with someone we love can instill us with courage, mend our hearts, and deepen our most beloved relationships.
If you or a family member have any further questions or concerns with respect to cremation, cremation services, cremation costs or a direct cremation please feel free to contact Cremation Options toll free 24 hours.
By: Joshua Johnson
About the Author:
Cremation Options is proud to be a family owned and operated company dedicated to providing dignified cremation services at an affordable price. Established in 2002; we are a non-denominational firm providing a variety of Cremation, merchandise, and services to families of all ages, creeds, and ethnic backgrounds.Call us toll free @ 1-877-989-9090.