I am not a psychologist, neither have I had any training in relationship advice. However I have been married to a wonderful girl for the past five years and, during that time, we have never had a fight or shouted at each other. Every day is a day of peace and love and I find her just as exciting now as the day I fell in love with her. Over the years I have come to understand her mind and I believe that I have discovered the key to a happy relationship. It certainly works for me and maybe it will work for you. Let me explain that I am from the UK and met my wife from Indonesia where we still live. So let’s start with appreciation. Have you noticed that when you throw a ball for a puppy and he happily runs over, picks it up and returns to you and you then pat him on the head, make a fuss of him and tell him what a clever dog he is? His tail will wag wildly (In the case or our Rottweiller, his STUB will wag wildly). He just loves appreciation. Personally I have a habit of forgetting where I leave my reading glasses. One day, when I was searching for them, one of my wife Yuyun’s young relatives found them and returned them to me. I thanked him and said “Wow, what a smart boy you are.” His chest swelled and his face beamed. After that, whenever he got the opportunity he would “find” my glasses, even if I knew where they were, just so he could hear some words of praise. You know, we don’t really grow up. We just get older. I love that very appropriate saying “The only difference between a man and a boy is the cost of his toys.”
So how does this apply to our relationship? Well, several times a day I tell Yuyun how beautiful she is, how much I love her and how lucky I am to have her love. This has the effect not only of showing her that I appreciate her but also of making her WANT to be beautiful with the result that she always tries to look her best. I make a point of never taking her for granted. Whenever she makes a meal for me, I kiss her, thank her and tell her how nice it was. Whenever she goes shopping, she will go out of her way to look for something special that I like because she knows that I will appreciate her efforts. Whenever she comes over to kiss me I thank her. The words thank you” if spoken with sincerity can work wonders.
How about communication and understanding? I always remember some of my relatives in the UK having a spat and the husband shouting “What the hell is the matter with you?” to which his wife replied “You know very well what is the matter!” But he didn’t…because he did not understand her. Everyone is an individual with different desires and needs. You have to discover what these are in your partner. Yuyun and I have spent hours talking about our childhoods and past lives. After five years I have a pretty good understanding of how her mind works. She came from a very poor family that sometimes did not have enough money to buy food. Her father had to go fishing or massage some of the neighbours in order to obtain a little sustenance. As a child she had no toys or dolls. As she grew up she would look at other girls who were better off and wish that she could have a cell phone or nice clothes like they had. The result of this is that today she has an inner drive to be recognized and looked up to. Because of the web page that we operate, we have appeared on local television a few times and when we stroll through town many people point to her and stop her to chat: this she loves. Now, at the age of 24 she has three cell phones and a cupboard full of dolls, making up for her disadvantaged past! Thus I understand what drives her and cater to it. Because I understand how she never had any money and had to keep asking for some I let her handle all the family finances. SHE has the bank account and debit card giving her a sense of power. We are not rich by any means, living solely on my retirement pension. This she understands and is never extravagant. We will go shopping for clothes for her, spend $20 and she will return home happy. Based on her childhood experience, she will go twenty miles out of her way to save ten cents on an item. This sends me totally crazy but it makes her happy so I go along with it. My attitude is that she does everything in her power to keep me happy so I feel that I should reciprocate. It’s the same visiting her family. Not speaking Indonesian, I sit there like a dummy, sweating and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes while she chats away. I keep my cool by remembering that SHE is enjoying herself and that she is never demanding and of course that I love her. Usually I end up playing with the family’s little children who are cute and where I don’t need the language.
I suppose you could call this consideration. Both Yuyun and I are considerate. If we see someone pushing a motorbike we will stop and see if we can help them. If we see a child crossing the street, we will make sure that they get across safely. This is our nature. I’m not sure that anyone who is not considerate can change but maybe you can force yourself to consider the feelings of your partner. Yuyun for instance likes constant attention. She regularly wants to be hugged and loved. I like to keep my brain active so spend some considerable time writing computer programmes and solving the most difficult Sukodu puzzles. This takes a lot of concentration, trying to remember a series of numbers in my head and I hate to be interrupted. However, when Yuyun wants attention or wishes to talk, I immediately put the thing aside and give her my full attention. I always remember the story of a fish tank in which there was a glass partition. On one side was a large ferocious fish and on the other side a small placid one. The big fish tried to attack and eat the little fish but all he got was a sore nose. After a few days, he got tired of all that and gave up. Then the partition was removed but the big fish still had no interest in chasing the little fish and found his food elsewhere. The analogy of that story is that if you reject someone’s love enough times, then they will stop trying and maybe go to someone else.
I really believe that Yuyun thinks like I do inasmuch as I am so contented with our relationship that I have absolutely no interest in any other woman. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I have felt that way. Yuyun in fact, although she never gets angry with ME, becomes furious when any other men try to hit on her, as they regularly do! “I have a husband who loves me,” she tells them. “What do I need you for?”
I should mention that someone’s culture will obviously have some bearing on how they think and act. Here in Indonesia it is the custom to remove one’s shoes when entering one’s house. Thus many people wear sandals which are easier to slip off and on. When we leave someone’s home, Yuyun precedes me and bends down to turn MY sandals facing outwards so I don’t have to do it. When I told her that I didn’t really need her to do that she answered: “Please don’t stop me from doing something that shows that I love you.” After five years she still does this! When we go shopping SHE insists on carrying all the packages. When she has a really heavy one I have to force her to let me take it. She does not expect or desire me to help her in the kitchen with the cooking or cleaning. I am her Mr. Fixit when any appliances or vehicles give problems. Actually I CAN fix most mechanical and electrical problems as I was trained in that but when I do, Yuyun thinks I am a real genius and tells all her friends how clever I am. She is not interested in equality. She wants to be a woman and wants me to be a man. She initiates wrestling matches with me in order to prove to herself that I am stronger than she is. She wants me to protect her from anything that scares her. She will tell me what she wishes to do and ask me if that is OK with me. She knows that I will say yes but likes to ask me anyway.
Sex requires consideration also. How can you know what pleases your partner if you don’t ask? When I was a young man, I used to ask every girl that I met what she liked and when and how she liked it. I built up a knowledge base far in excess of my friends and they could never understand how I managed to go out with such beautiful women when I personally was not particularly handsome. When you love someone, there is a great deal of pleasure in giving pleasure to your loved one. Yuyun and I sleep together in what is called the spoon position, hugging each other all night. After five years I find her just as sexy as when I first met her. Part of this maybe is because she keeps herself in such good condition. She never goes to sleep without removing her make up and taking a shower. Her body and her breath are always sweet smelling. We really live more like a couple of lovers than husband and wife. Yuyun wakes up at about 5am with a beaming smile that stays with her all day. She leaps out of bed, skipping and dancing while I try to drag myself out. I don’t know how she does that. She tells me it is because she is always happy, day and night. I can wake her up in the middle of the night, take her out on the motorbike in cold, pouring rain and she will STILL be giggling and laughing…even the couple of times we slid off the bike into the mud. How can you NOT love a woman like that? Because of this I never get annoyed with her. I DO get angry with situations but never take it out on her personally. When I start ranting and raving about something, she just smiles and says “Remember I love you,” and that just breaks me up and I start to laugh with her. So, the above is MY secret to a lasting relationship. Maybe you can find something there that will improve yours.
By: sheldon archerAbout the Author:
I am from Sheffield in the UK and have lived in several other countries including France, Canada, USA, Bahamas, Jamaica and Colombia. I am now living in Indonesia which I personally believe is the best of the bunch. I am married to a much younger girl and we are so happy together that we started a webpage to introduce Western men to Indonesian women www.an-asian-wife.com Email exbrit69@yahoo.com Yahoo Messenger ID is exbrit69
