I feel sorry for attractive women. They get asked out so many times, but all their dates are the same: dinner, drinks, cinema. It must get old pretty quickly.

But this is an opportunity for some clever and creative guys out there, because if they can do some different stuff, it will be very attractive. It will also usually cost less! Where does a creative guy take a girl on a first date? Here’s my best first date ideas:

1. Activity-based dates

An activity based date is where you meet and do something pretty exciting. It is great fun for her, but afterwards you should also go for a drink or sit down somewhere so that you can connect with her. She’ll be much more open to it after a fun date. What are some examples of a good activity-based date?

-The fair.

-The games arcade. No not to play Tekken.

Do physical games like the dancing games, racing games, and if she is a bit tough, the punching games.

-Play a sport or game of table tennis, table football, darts, pool, badminton, or even trampolining.

-Go to a class together: Dancing (Salsa is good), pranayama, massage. If it is something you wanted to try already, even better.

-Fly a kite.

2. Nature-based date

Girls love animals and nature. Design a nature based date and it should be a memorable experience. Examples would be:

-Feeding the ducks and squirrels in the park.

-A boat trip up the river.

-The zoo (make sure she doesn’t morally object).

-The aquarium..

3. Interest-based date

If she has expressed an interest in a certain area like art, history, or foreign films, take her on a date that matches this interest.

4. Tourist Stuff

It’s amazing how many City-dwellers haven’t done the famous tourist stuff in their city. Casually find out if she has been to Buckingham Palace, the Tower of London, or whatever your local attraction is. Chances are neither of you have so it will make a great first date.

5. Buy a Local Events Guide

There are all kinds of cool events going on in big cities all the time. Things like food festivals, charity concerts, and street parties. Find one that sounds cool and go together.

By having an activity or something else as the focus of the date, it takes a lot of pressure off the interaction. By the time you sit down to talk, you will have a fun shared experience and she will already be more open to you. If you have taken a girl on a date like this, chances are she’ll be telling all her friends about the great time she had, and she’ll definitely be sold on seeing you again.



By: Richard La Ruina

About the Author:

Creating a unique MySpace profile is very important. You will first have a lot of visitors, and you would not want them to be bored with your settings. Next you might get bored yourself if you do not have the right settings. To do the above you can get the help of MySpace backgrounds, which will give the profile a lovely look depending on how you use them.

These backgrounds come in various colors as well as themes. You can find various themes with these because not all sections of the profile are the same. You might want to use something different for the blog section or the about me section. Using various backgrounds on the profile will help a great deal, as the sections are what everyone looks at.

You might want to say something specific in the profile in the about me section. It could be anything about what you like or what you do. So what you can do is pick MySpace backgrounds, which will suit these. The backgrounds which match what is written will help a great deal, as then the visitors will not have a great deal of reading to do.

They will instantly know that you like something, or you are doing something specifically. The effect will be unique, because you are talking about yourself personally through the profile. By using MySpace backgrounds, you can be sure that you will be getting a bunch of new visitors to the profile. The best way to make the profile unique is to choose theme-oriented backgrounds.

First check if the theme is right about what you have spoken about. Next you will have to choose the right colors. It should also blend with the content, so that the profile has a unique look and feel. Next you will have to choose graphics, which will load easily. If these are chosen, then there will be no need to make the visitors wait.

All these tips will go a long way in helping you create a very unique profile. Depending on what you write, you can make sure that the MySpace backgrounds blend with that. You should not use cartoons for some content that talks about sports as your interest. Picking these backgrounds is also not a difficult task, so there is no need for you to be taking too much time for this.

The only main thing that you will need to remember is that you will have to choose the right sites. Since there are so many sites, which offer MySpace backgrounds, you should ensure that you will get something free of spam etc. It will be unique if you can also give different backgrounds to each section. This will give a fresh look to the profile, and also speak of variety.



By: Shant

About the Author:

Love knows no logic to germinate – it comes naturally from the hearts of true lovers. Wealth, beauty, distance and material objects cannot determine true love. We can prove this saying by citing examples of online love affairs. Online dating and love have earned wide popularity among the net savvy and is spreading like wild fire. This can give you stable relationships if it is properly used. Here, there is a wide scope of knowing each other before actually falling in love. Even after knowing him/her well, if you find that your partner is not suitable enough to continue for long, you can easily change your partner within click of your mouse. Myriads of people these days are finding their soul mates through online chatting websites and online dating agencies.

When you feel to have a girlfriend or want to get enjoyment in your life, just pull off your socks and start browsing through the dating websites, which can give you chance to meet a number of crazy lovers like you. Choose any one of them and wait for his/her reply. If that person replies you, continue chatting until you get satisfied with the responses from the other end. Start conversation in a simple tone, try to convince him/her as far as possible and never force or recommend anything. Try finding out ways to persuade – you should know his/her liking, disliking and preferences and use those information in future too. Gradually, move on to intimacy without making any pun. You should always use straightforward language to ensure transparency and to avert communication gap. Ask your net friend to come in a specific time on some other day; if that person agrees with your proposal, you can be rest assured that you will be able turn this friendship to love by applying your mind. When you come to meet your net friend in the next day, do not forget to ask that person’s phone number. Call him/her in a suitable time and try to judge your counterpart. If you feel he/she is a hard nut to crack, do not waste time! Go for catching other guys on the net. If the situation seems favorable to you, carry forward until you meet your desire.

Sometimes, distance may trouble you to continue any relationship. Do not worry!!! There are a lot of online services through which you can continue your affair for as many years as you want. After building a strong friendship, you can ask for sharing pictures. If it is possible, you can show your X-rated pictures to your friend and ask him/her to do the same. Thus, you can enjoy a little bit of sexual pleasure through Internet. Try to convince him/her for dating. I am citing an example of one of my friends, who dated with her net friend and went to a nearby park. They spent nearly two hours and gossiped. They are now married with two children!

So, it is quite possible to turn your online affair to a steady one if you are willing to make it so. Having gone through the initial heart throbbing experience, you would probably try hard to experience more from your partner. To make your online friend always available, you need to make an online chatting routine and thus, the online individual would not have to wait long for chatting with you. You have to take initiative to bring your online relationship to offline for meeting your own desire. Though it is too difficult to carry on, still you will have to try it at all costs. You have to know the real person from a new perspective in order to destroy all illusions that you may have had about your friend during those online hours. After the first stepping-stone is over, you need to take initiative, so that your relationship does not get back to the online chatting routine. You may feel the excitement again to continue chatting online, but that may not be a realistic idea at all.

There are also various online dating agencies, which are ready to fulfill your requirements with a whole lot of friends. You need to register your name with personal details and have to wait for ripening the fruit for you. Within the shortest possible time span, you can be rest assured of getting a list of names and their personal details. Match your requirement and move forward to fulfill your desire.

To make your online friend feel for you, arrange some special gifts and impress them. Try convincing your friend by your words, through your deeds and also with sweetness of your heart. Once you make your friend feel for you, you can be sure of getting things back in multiplied proportions. Do never show any sign of cheating; ensure a bond of trust and that would be helpful for both of you to continue a long drawn relationship.

So, if you do not have right partner at this moment…don’t get depressed. Just keep on looking over the dating web sites and let the things roll on naturally for you.



By: Michael Delph

About the Author:

Since you now find that you are without the person you are in love with due to a recent or not so recent break up, you may consider looking for break up help or for information on how to get your ex back.  In either case you will need help moving in one of those directions.

If you have concluded that you are going to try to move on then the amount or type of help you will need to get over the break up will depend on how bad the break up was.  If it was an ugly ending and it took its toll on you emotionally than you are going to need more time getting over it and recovering from the relationship.

At this point it is important to concentrate on taking care of your mental and physical health.  Don’t look back on the decisions you made in the relationship and criticize your self for them too much.  You made the best decisions you could make at the time given what was happening.  Allow yourself to make mistakes just as other humans do.  You are only human too.  If you are in emotional turmoil because the break up went badly and you feel you are still in love with your ex than it is even more critical to take care of yourself first.

The break up help you need right now is the kind that shows you how to look after yourself.  Don’t be concerned with your ex right now, as they are not your responsibility anymore, even though you are still in love with him or her.

Sometimes you may need professional help if your turmoil from the break up is overly intense.  It is better to regain your self-confidence and self-esteem as quickly as possible than it is to wait it out too long. If talking to a professional will help than you should do it.

Getting Your Ex Back

If the kind of break up help you seek is the kind that shows how to get your ex back than you still need to do some of the things talked about above, but you also have to begin on a plan to make up with your ex.

The beginning of this process is the same.  Take care of yourself first and regain your own self-confidence.  Talk to a professional if necessary.  Don’t contact your ex until your self-esteem comes back and you have recovered from the break up enough to think straight.

Once all of that is accomplished you can make a plan to get back together with your ex on a friendly date of sorts.  Meet at a neutral place that doesn’t have memories if possible.  You need to meet him or her in a calm manner almost more as a friend would.  Explain to them that you have been thinking about what went wrong and would like to try the relationship again.  Listen to what they have to say back.  You need to be a good listener so they are aware that you are serious. You don’t have to agree with them but your goal is to simply listen well.  Keep the conversation non-argumentative.

You later should end the date in a pleasant amicable manner and wait for them to call you back.  Doing this may or may not work.  Nothing is 100% guaranteed to work. But at least you know you gave it the best shot and did the right thing.



By: Mark Jordan

About the Author:

utorial we will create something like glamour photo retouch tutorial. We will use Adobe Photoshop as our tool of choice for retouching a photo and making almost a ready design out of it. You will have some files for support like some brushes and the initial photo itself to practice on. So let’s start out talk on making PS photo retouch.

Here is the photo I found in the internet on Comfight.com, a very useful service if you want to find any photos.



Here it is. A very mystical mood photo but in the same time very bright (the eyes have it).

Now the first thing I’m going to do here is to change my hue to a little bit “into the blue”, just a little bit. It’s not really necessary for you to do this, depending on the monitor you got and so on, but I feel that it will be better if the picture will be bluer saturated.



I will turn OFF the saturation layer for now. Now if you look and the initial picture you will probably notice that the light on the girls face is too strong, too much white.

I will fix that, I’m going to use a low flow (about 20% flow depending on the tablet and the brush settings) brush. So create a new layer and start. If this is your first tutorial to read it will be a little bit harder. Anyway I’ll try to give you the possibility to download this mask, shall we say, file….next >>>



By: sugiex

About the Author:

How can I pass my unreciprocal love to my ex love partner because I miss him so much?

 

 

 

 

“I love him… I love him… so… so… deeply… but… we are separated… I am wondering how I can win him back…” That statement is very common to hear from most of the couples who have been facing that scenario. Basically, things are getting difficult as days go by. We have different working commitment, and other stuffs to handle. It is simply torturing for us to have our work to be done, without affording to spend a few minutes of our leisure time to meet out together. It is rather sad to see this when both of us are so deeply in love…

 

 

Nevertheless, the imagery or impression of both sides will be reflected and etched in our memory that will never be forgotten in the future. I am wondering whether we can still meet up together again… Do you know how I feel? My heart is breaking… My heart is almost shattering into pieces of pieces of blood shed tears. Does my boyfriend feel the same as well? I wish I can pass my unreciprocal love without any conditions provided by him because I miss him so much… “My dearest boyfriend, can you please stay by my side for the rest of my life… I really miss you…” If you are part of the scenario that I have described above, please continue to read this piece of article as I will guide you along on how you can pass your unreciprocal love to your ex love partner…

 

 

‘You love him. You want him. You have tried to tell him, so many times, in different ways that you love him as much as you did in the beginning. Only he does not respond. And whenever he responds, he hurts you. Because you love him so much, and you value the close relation you shared, you feel very sad that he has changed much. You ultimately feel very unhappy. His selfishness will hurt you more, because once he was a decent person. Some where that decency must lurk. Now what should you do?’ The previous scene can be visualized by him, instead of her.

 

 

This is not a very common scenario, but quite common amongst couples, when one partner suddenly changes and stops responding to love. One partner decides to change the rules of the game and hurts the other partner. Makes him/her plead and then leaves him/her alone. If you are facing this situation, let’s see what can be done.

 

 

The first step is acceptance that the other partner no longer loves you. It may sound unbelievable to you after many years of close relationship, but accept this truth. The second step is to stop hurting yourself. Don’t hurt yourself by revisiting what all you got for your love. The hurt will make you feel very sad. The third step is to look for someone who understands you right from day one. After separation, when you rejoin the dating scene, try to look for someone who will play on a level field with you. Till you get that person, focus on all your positive qualities and devote your time to do, what you could not because you were spending that time in loving your earlier partner.

 

 

If you feel that, you will not get a partner of your choice, or are afraid of getting hurt again, don’t become vulnerable. Let the journey go on alone. Indeed, life is short. Don’t let another day go by without taking a chance on happiness. You will never know until you try, so remember to make a move today. It can change or affect the rest of your life, therefore, at the very least, you can try to come out something for your ex love partner during your weekend plans.

 

 

 

With a little practice, perseverance and patience, I believe that your relationship could be enhanced with the tips that I have shared earlier. If you have faced any problems with your loved ones, do not hesitate to visit this piece of article again. I really have a strong belief that if you can understand what I have explained and applied what you have learnt from this piece of article, your problems can be eventually solved and your making up relationship can become more stable and stronger. I wish all the best for your making up relationship with your partner. Do always remember to spread word of mouth to your fellow friends for supporting the decision of having making up than breaking up.

 

 

 

How to win your ex girlfriend back easily?

 

Watch a video that shows you exactly what you must NEVER do, what you should do to get your ex back and why at Win Your Ex girlfriend Back Website.

 

You will also learn how to reverse the situation if you have already done those things that should NEVER be done.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



By: dhlim88

About the Author:

Many people neglect use of sex toys considering them needless. However, sex toys, if used reasonably can considerably refresh intimate relationships. sex toys vary loveplay, give new sensations and help to achieve enormous pleasure never experienced before.

Such sex toys as vibrators, dildos, love dolls and realistic vaginas relieve sufferings of those who temporarily do not have a sex partner. Use of adult toys also helps those who suffer from some disorders or physical defects and therefore are prevented from normal sex life.

sex toys are recommended to spouses who from time to time have to be apart. They help such couples to experience erotic sensations and have orgasms being without each other, but the most important thing is that sex toys prevent married couples from adultery.

No husband or wife should mind his partner’s self-satisfaction. What is safer - adultery or self satisfaction with help of a vibrator or love doll or other sex life? Remember that sex toys help avoid sleeping around and many problems related to debauchery behavior, such as sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.

A vibrator or a dildo (or they both) is recommended to those couples where a woman has low libido and never achieves orgasm. These sex toys being in hands of a loving husband can give his wife great pleasure, especially if intercourse normally lasts no longer than for two or three minutes. This short amount of time is not enough for women to orgasm. In this case a Sex toys used during foreplay will be of great help. Vibrators and dildos are also used after intercourse if male partner ejaculated before his partner’s orgasm.

Vibrators are often used by couples where a husband is much older than his wife. It is known that aged men lack libido and cannot satisfy their young wives’ need for frequent sex life.

Sometimes spouses of the same age are not satisfied with their sex life. It is quite normal that different people have different level of libido. But what is to be done if partners love each other and the only problem which prevents them from being happy is disparity in libido? No divorce! There is a way out: a partner whose libido is higher can use a sex toys to satisfy the need for sex when another partner is not disposed to making love. Do you think that a husband or a wife had better look for satisfaction with someone else? Or torture his or her spouse by demanding frequent sex contacts? Of course, this is a bad idea. Use of sex toys is much better and safer.

Everything said above does not mean that devices designed for erotic stimulation and satisfaction can completely replace intimate relationships. Do not use them instead of having sex with your partner! Remember that sex toys can give only physical pleasure, but never emotional one!

Life is love. Love and be loved! Sex toys



By: Ana Belly

About the Author:

Have you ever wondered why it is that you don’t always feel comfortable wearing the latest fashion?  Are you sometimes overwhelmed and confused by the fashion choices?

 Basically, you’d like a wardrobe that works for you. But where do you start?

 I can tell you that our personality dictates our style. The clothes that we wear and how we wear them are governed by many factors: our colouring, age, build, lifestyle, environment, budget, culture and preferences. But it is our personality that acts as a catalyst and pulls our whole look together. This is our own interpretation of fashion and how we like to dress.

 Each one of us has a little person inside us bursting to get out. The sooner we understand who she is, the sooner we can develop our personal style. When you know your style personality you will adapt or select fashion to suit you. And you will feel comfortable in your outfit, whatever the occasion.

 How?

You’ll now be asking, ‘how do I know my style personality?’ There are a few simple questions to put us on the starting block… 

Creative

For instance, think about the kind of shopper you are; Do you love shopping in markets or vintage boutiques? Maybe you are a Creative personality. You enjoy combining different items of clothing and accessories to give yourself a unique look. 

Natural

Or do you dread the shopping experience? Do you only shop when you need something?

You could be a Natural personality. Comfort and casual styling is your preference.

 Dramatic

And here’s another simple question…What is in your non-working wardrobe? If you are a Dramatic personality, it will be the latest fashion purchase. Creating a wow factor with your clothes is your priority.

 Classic

Or, if you find co-ordinated separates, you could be a Classic personality. You like to keep your look fairly formal and always match your handbag and shoes.

                                                                                     

Romantic

Have you spotted yourself yet? No? That could mean you are a Romantic personality. Romantics love details; flowers, bows, ruffles etc. You never go out without wearing heels or your make-up.

 City Chic

But what if following trends rather than high fashion is more in your comfort zone? The City Chic personality could be you. You prefer simple styles. And you love to accessorise with the ‘it’ bag.

 Wouldn’t it feel great to walk into any situation knowing you look great?

 Well, you can. Simply attend an Image Consultation with a Colour Me Beautiful Image Consultant and learn the necessary ‘art’ of how to dress your individual shape, scale & proportions. Learn how and when to use colour and when to use neutrals. And by knowing how to dress your crucial style personality you can get to where you’d like to be.

  

 



By: Sarah Gray

About the Author:

Today, tattoo designs and those designer tattoo for girl clients can be found everywhere. Try browsing through a couple of online galleries and you will surely find a couple of designs that you would consider having. Before you do get yourself tattooed there are some important things you should think about.

Getting the Best Design

The most common question for girls is which is the most appropriate design for girls. If you are asking about popularity, that is easy to answer. Girls would look great in floral, tribal, fantasy and foreign character designs. Tattoos however are never about just what is popular. Each tattoo design has its own unique significance. Each tattoo represents a person’s personality and preferences. It therefore follows that what may be great for one may not be great for you. When it comes to tattoo designs, you should have the final say. Good tattoo artists however can help you make the right decisions as to placemen t and tattoo size.

Tattoo Individuality

Tattoo designs are never completely unique. That is unless your design has been specifically made for you. If however, your tattoo was taken from a gallery, you could be sharing the same design with a couple of other people. Even so, tattoos should be all about individuality and uniqueness.

You may have the same tattoo as someone else. You may even have it on a common spot like the lower back. Nonetheless, a design that is personally significant to you is still unique to you. Always remember to find meaning in a tattoo for girl design before you have it etched on your skin. This is the best way to preserve the individuality of a tattoo.

Your Life Situation

Getting a tattoo is a personal decision you have to make. You should however, always consider your situation first. It may be all well and good to have a very obvious tattoo if you just work at home or on your own business. It might be a different story though if you work in an ultra formal corporate office. Let’s face it. Even if there isn’t anything wrong with tattoos, some people still have biases against people who have tattoos. You could loose clients or the respect of your boss and colleagues with an ill-placed tattoo. Design placement and size should therefore be influenced by your professional and personal situation. There are places where you can hide tattoos like your foot or upper arm.

Following Popularity

Tattoo styles also change with time. Some are specifically more popular at a particular time or decade. It may be tempting to get into the band wagon and pick a popular design. It can be anything from a cartoon character to the symbol or name of a famous pop artist. No one can say that this is entirely wrong. You should remember though that popular things and people do not stay forever. You are better off with a design that is personally important to you.

Tattoo Placement

It really is your choice where you want your tattoo. There are a couple of important placement considerations though. Aside from considering tattoo visibility, you should also consider skin quality. Females have different skins compared to males. There are certain parts that stretch, sag or develop cellulite as we age, give birth or gain weight. These areas may have to be avoided when considering tattoo placement.



By: Reese Lanter

About the Author:

In honor of the recent acquisition of Marvel by Disney, here is what I currently hate about Disneyland. Maybe superheroes will make this better.

Back in the day, a visionary named Walt Disney created Disneyland. Little did he know what a pain in the ass it would become. While our parents regale us with stories of E-Tickets, Mule Trains and $5 admissions, we have a more bitter view of what this park has really turned into.

Beginning with Michael Eisner and continuing with the powers that be, this park is no longer The Happiest Place on Earth. It’s not even The Second Happiest Place on Earth. It’s now The Most Expensive Place on Earth. Should you decide to hit the pavement with Mickey and Minnie, prepare to lose your wallet, your soul, your sanity.

1. Admission Prices

1955 - $1

1965 - $4

1975 - $6

1985 - $16.50

1995 - $33

2005 - $56

2009 - $62 (3-9) $72 (10+)

Somewhere, the board of directors are wiping their asses with Benjamin Franklin and blowing their noses with William McKinley. It’s sick. For a park that has yet to create a NEW ride that doesn’t involve shooting pretend lasers or an acid trip of Woozles, there is little satisfaction of selling a kidney or turning a trick just to get into the damn place.

2. The Wheelchair Hogs

My mother has rheumatoid arthritis. She turns 60 next year. She deserves a goddamn wheel chair or automatic scooter. I won’t even quibble about the price. If $40 means that woman can stroll around the park, uninhibited and pain-free, it’s money well spent. That is, if she can get to the park early enough to snag a chair or scooter before the armies of lazy people manage to roll their fat asses out of bed.

But what does Disneyland care? I’ve watched them give their last scooter to a 400lb woman, who actually COULD walk, because she happened to be in line before an elderly man with a cane. Why they don’t require a disability placard or ID is beyond me. But if I see another family of 4 on scooters, lying out of their dimpled asses to the attendants so they can get in line faster than everyone else on Indiana Jones, I’m gonna throw them into Rivers of America and happily watch them drown.

3. The Tram "Drivers"

"Welcome to Disneyland. We ask that you keep your hands and arms inside the tram at all times. This includes your toes and fingers. This includes your toenails and fingernails. This includes your eyelashes and nose hair. Please collapse all strollers. Please no children on your lap unless they are under the age of 10. Disneyland will be open until midnight tonight. While you are here, you might want to check out the new parade on Main Street.

When exiting the tram, please be sure to take your belongings with you. If you should lose an item while the tram is in motion, raise your hand and the driver will stop the tram so you can retrieve your item. When exiting the tram, make sure you exit to your right and watch your head. Again, we’d like to thank you for visiting Disneyland today. We hope you enjoy your stay with us today and if there is anything you need, simply ask the park attendant or report your needs to Disneyland Town Hall…"

4. The Endless Crowds

Mmm…Aaahhh…take a great big whiff. *Deep breath* You know what the smell is? A lack of deodorant.

Between 50,000 - 80,000 people can fit into this park. When the Fire Marshall takes a day off, perhaps 100,000. Half of those people have no idea where they are going or which rides they want to go on.

They are the ones who are walking and abruptly stop in the middle off the path to study their map.

They are the ones who take forever to get on a ride.

They are the ones who take forever to get off a ride.

They are the ones who cut in front of you in a line.

Or, my personal favorite, the ones who show up en masse of 20 to join their one friend who’s been holding a place in line. Just when you think you’re about to get on, an entire busload of people jump in front of you and you’re stuck waiting another 15 minutes for a friggin’ 5 minute ride.

And this is called having a good time.

5. The Stroller Derby Moms

The only reason why this isn’t at number one is because I’m designing this list over the course of one day. Otherwise, this is my number one, ALPHA OMEGA, pet peeve of this God forsaken place. Strollers line up like prize-winning stallions at the starter gate for the Kentucky Derby.

10am: Gates open and THEY’RE OFF!!

Moms with their broods of 50 kids knock you out of the way as they make a mad dash for the rides.

It doesn’t matter if there’s 100 people in front of you. Those wheels will bang up against your heels and ankles relentlessly until you move…all so they can move up ONE MORE SPACE. By the end of the day, your legs are black and blue, either from the stroller or from Rosemary’s baby kicking you with their Nemo sneakers. Your day is ruled by the "Clan of Angry Moms" from the moment you arrive at the parking structure to the moment you get back to your car.

They hog up the trams. They hog up the bathrooms. They refuse to clean up after their kids. YOU get stuck cleaning up Suzie’s pee because Mommy was too busy adjusting her Belle costume to notice.

They hog up the tables at the restaurants and snack bars. Mom sits her ass down at a table for five and plops her 10 gallon mom bag on another table, while parking her 5-kid stroller at another one.

It won’t matter how much you glare at her. She’s not moving. Your day is ruled - no, RUINED - by the legions of moms and their welfare-earning, I’m sorry, life improving children.

So suck it up and go on a weekday.

6. The Price of Eating

There’s a reason people sneak food into the Disneyland.

With the exception of one corner of the park, the food here is comparable to the samples at Costco - except at Costco it’s free. The only food worth eating at Disneyland can be found in one place: New Orleans Square.

Frontier Land has its over-cooked Mexican food.

Adventure Land has maybe one endearing item in the form of Bengal BBQ - the chicken is actually pretty good. Otherwise, I’d gladly eat the Jungle Cruise guys alive any day of the week.

Fantasy Land has Geppetto’s Shack, which hasn’t changed the menu of $10 burgers, $10 pizza slices and $8 bottle water for 15 years.

Tomorrow Land has an entire building devoted to greasy pizza, soggy pasta and wilting salad. If you decide to brave the burger bar, you’ll easily pay $35 for lunch for two. And that doesn’t include sodas.

Main Street is good for pastries and ice cream.

You’ll have to prove to me that the chicken is free range, the burgers are 100% Angus and the lettuce is grown from God’s own garden. Otherwise, I’m parking it at New Orleans Square and happily paying through the nose for a bread bowl of chowder, a plate of smoked sausage and the best coffee this side of Anaheim.

7. Employee Attitudes

It’s not an easy job, working at Disneyland. You have to deal with a lot of angry, rude, impatient, smelly people who believe it’s your job to eat their poop.

However, that does not give you the right to beat people with your glow stick when they don’t move fast enough, proceeding a parade. The best time to go on rides is during the fireworks show and during parades. You know this - that’s why you’re sprinting across the park from Splash Mountain to Space Mountain. Try explaining that to a park employee, who believes they hold The Scepter of God Himself as they whisk you - no, SHOVE you - along the parade route.

"But I don’t want to watch the freaking parade. I’m trying to get across the park."

"I don’t care, buddy, move it!"

It’s not your fault that the Octomom decided to stop in front of you, all because her 10 kids don’t want to walk anymore. You’re TRYING to move, but Trigger Happy Trent doesn’t care. He’s been on his feet for 9 hours without a lunch break, baking in the 90 degree heat and he’s TIRED. So guess what? He’s gonna whack you with his lava lamp.

Get over it.

8. Waiting In Line

The Fastpass was a good idea for about five minutes.

However, whoever invented the Fastpass most likely never visited the park during peak hours. Granted, you can prance to the front of the lines at Space Mountain, gleefully and smugly smiling in the stone faces of those who have been broiling in the sun for 2 hours already. But since you can only do one Fastpass at a time, and you have to wait 2 hours before you can use it, what exactly are you supposed to do with yourself until you can hop aboard Big Thunder Railroad?

Exactly.

You’ll spend your time doing what everyone else is doing: waiting in line. You’ll have to deal with pushy tourists who think they’ll get ahead of you just by touching your back one too many times.

Granted, this is America. We move for people simply because we don’t want to deal with them. But not THIS American. I refuse to move. This is my freaking spot and I refuse to give it up to someone who thinks they’re better than me. We’re ALL gonna roast in the hot sun, buddy, so calm the heck down.

While you’re practicing being a mannequin, you’ll enjoy the - you guessed it - STROLLER banging away at your heels. Odds are, mommy gave the reigns over to her older child (all of 7 yrs old) and she’s having fun "steering."

If that isn’t enough punishment, you might be next to a group of people who don’t believe in deodorant or soap. So while your ankles and legs are getting banged up, your nostrils are suffering at the same time. You concentrate on breathing through your mouth and taking bursts of air from the ice in your soda.

By the time you get to the front of the line, your skin is red and scaly, you have a headache and your legs are black and blue.

Having fun?

9. Closed Rides

I don’t know about you, but there are exactly three rides I want to go on at Disneyland.

1. Space Mountain

2. Big Thunder Mountain

3. Pirates of the Carribbean

That’s all I care about. Otherwise, I spend my time watching dads watching teenage girls, who are watching the teenage boys who are watching the girls, who are being watched by their mothers, who are fully aware that their husbands are having mental affairs.

So when I arrive at the park, I’ve already done my Ride Dance. I’ve already said my prayers. I’ve fasted for two weeks. I’ve gone without sex and other vices, all in the name of pleasing the gods and hoping and praying that my three rides are open and not…CLOSED.

At this point, I may as well just leave the park. But given that I’ve already given the park the equivalent of half my paycheck plus rent, I may as well stick around and give them my car payment, too.

Time to head to the lines.

10. Outdated Rides

At some point, Disneyland must evolve and embrace the trend that has saved Knotts and Six Flags from extinction: The Kid Zone.

Knotts has Camp Snoopy and Magic Mountain has Bug’s World.

Disneyland has…TOON TOWN.

It’s like an acid trip of a cartoon from which there is no escape.However, it doesn’t have just rides. It has maybe 2 rides and the rest are giant props that my 8 year old rabbit wouldn’t deign to pee on.

Disneyland must accept that while its key audience IS children, those kids aren’t driving themselves to the park. The kids aren’t making the money to pay for the ticket, to pay for the food, to pay for the toy that will only be played with once, to pay for the t-shirt, to pay for the pictures, to pay…you get the idea.

The kids may be the customer, but the adult is the buyer. And until they create a part of the park that is strictly for kids and capable of RETAINING kids, trips to Disneyland will still result in Dad blowing a fuse and Mom being a bitch. And those of us without kids will have to put up with all of you.

11. BI-Lingual Announcements

It’s A Small World has its charm, however outdated (and actually extremely racist).

The message of global unity is a good one and I give it my full support. However, messages broadcasted over the loud speaker in the rides are strange, bordering on ridiculous. It’s A Small World boasts over 20 different languages and represents almost every country on the planet. Why is it that the safety and precaution message at Snow White is only in English, Spanish and French? Why not Farsi, Hindi, German and Tagalog?

Why stop there? Let’s acknowledge the fact that half the tourists at Disneyland are Asian. Let’s include Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese and Vietnamese and Korean. Safety should be as common as, well, common sense. If the craft is moving, you should stay seated. But since the world is full of empty-headed people, we must do their thinking for them and assume they will need pertinent information…such as the number to 9-1-1.

12. The Main Street Parade

I, like most people my age or older, grew up with this parade. My mom even has the music on vinyl. Millions of people flocked to the park just to see this parade.

So it’s really not surprising that it’s been moved to California "Lame" Adventure. So you not only have to give a kidney, but your liver and spleen, too, just to see this parade in all its Duracell-ridden glory.

Granted, California Adventure has Soaring Over California. I actually really like that ride. But anyone with a budget and two eyes can see the only reason that parade was moved was so the powers that be could extract just that much more dinero out of the populace.

Leeches. That’s what they are. I say we grab some flame throwers and blow torches and storm the castle.

Who’s with me?



By: Sonja Holbrook

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